Terror, you besieged my heart

News of attacks again. I have been steering clear from reading reports on terrorist attacks, but decided I am ready to look it in the eye again. So I took a peek at one article, and it got me in the jitters.

I have no idea whether it is because I do not like bad news, or I am just getting sick of reading about the craziness of humanity, or it was the haunt from last year. I never liked to see it as the haunt from last year, cos there are times I just question myself, whether this is an act of human drawing herself into drama. After much meditation, specifically something to attain equanimity, I think I can now call a spade a spade and label it as PTSD?

I really dislike calling it a trauma, cos I was not hurt, so it should not be a big deal. Worse, I hate calling it a disorder, cos my life is still normal. Maybe just a little more paranoid about sounds, crowds, and chaotic scenes. And just a little too careful at every step.

I used to love festivals. I used to love celebrations – massive scale ones in hundred and thousands. I used to love the public spectacle. But now, I try to avoid attending any. I did try when I was in Paris – St Martin and Gare du Nord. I just became really careful – constantly looking out for the escape route at every step. It is sickening, really. Yet, there are some things we cannot un-know.

YET. It really does not help that the ‘safe haven’ I found to rest my achey legs and my paranoid heart turns out to be the location of another incredulous terror attack. Such poor judgement on my part – what else can I rely on now? Maybe intuition and gut feeling really is the way to go now, it has saved me so many times last year. Without reason. With me only understanding it post-situation.

I try to laugh about it. Joke about it. That is some form of denial that human beings can be so ridiculously cruel to its own kind.

 

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