Cold sweats two days running is no joke. Babyboo is down with a cough and cold, which spread to my poor mama whom he had been clinging on to like a koala. The poor insecure boy refused to leave his grandma’s arms. I could not bear to leave home, just in case mom needed help. I am of no help cos babyboo refuses everyone else anyway. I can fetch thermometer, fetch water, fetch dough, fetch the phone, that is all. All while I, too, am sweating buckets of coldness.
Yesterday was national day, so my sis had his son for a full day, which was great! Except that I was down with his son’s bug. I had been having cold sweats since Monday, and again yesterday, and again this morning. I was crying to God for help, and getting really freaked out about not being able to even focus on prayer. Catching a cold / flu should not be this scary!! I have no idea why I was going crazy and getting sleepless and so nervous about being sick.
This morning, finally, I stepped out of my room, my place. And walked in the sun. And suddenly realize I am healthy! I am not sick at all. It is madness. So I googled cold sweats and discovered that it is a symptom of stress, or even a panic attack. Why am I not surprised? It already got me on Fri night and I thought I ‘cured’ it over yoga. Tsk.
Then I googled 8:8 lion’s gate, which was the day before! I was in a safe space last year 8:8:8 having a long weekend of theta workshop. This year, I felt it real hard – every emotion listed in this article: anger, fear, anxiety, judgement, projection of others, feelings of worthlessness, a feeling of giving up and hiding away, running away, feeling misunderstood and desperation, feeling alone. Every word here appeared in the desperate letter I wrote to God. But he sent his miracles to tell me I am not alone – G messaged us to keep our body, mind and soul healthy, and no more work discussion on weekends!!! And an ex messaged me last night to see how I am doing. Perspective, perspective, perspective – He has His much broader perspective than us teeny weeny humans. Yet we are Co-Creators, I feel so honoured. And humbled.
*beep* went my calendars on all my devices, and I saw a little ‘mental note’ I tagged on iCal from 8years ago – the day when I knelt in front of the deities soaking in cold sweat as the lady negotiated xxx on my behalf. Well, so many secrets in the Universe we were / are privy to.
The switch from darkness to pure light can be just that second in the sun. I can now understand how mental illness is a downward spiral. What a relief that I found Light this quick this time. It is hard to describe – the sudden change from feeling sick and panicky about being sick and therefore feeling even sick-er, and then all of a sudden, I am back in my happy chirpy self in optimal health. This brief experience showed me how important it is to lend someone a hand or a shoulder even for a brief moment, cos it makes hell of a difference with that shared second of empathy. I think it is a good reminder for me to spend a little more time hearing my mom out on her grouses before it spirals. It has been really tough on her, and I saw that downward spiral, but did nothing except hung around. Which inadvertently caused my own downward spiral. Well, I could have taken her out before she went down, then I would not have to go down too. Such an excellent example of Oneness.
Side note: we are not mentally ill, I am just extrapolating the instance to see the bigger picture of impacts. We were just feeling the darkdarkdark humour of Universe in showing us our (shadow) Selves.
Further note: never ask for an understanding into depression. I was stupid enough to pray for God’s perspective on someone’s behavior. I felt his depression for three days, and I learnt how lost and helplessness felt like, and then I understood his behavior and choices. Do not try this at home (or anywhere)!!!