Plop goes my heart! Or maybe plop! went His heart. I got into an estranged bout of crying during and after meditation last night. On one hand, it arose from me feeling so touched and honoured by His love and belief in me and my abilities. On the other, it was that disconnect between my mission and my current state of affairs (mind, heart, soul, every darn thing). I wished I could cry the whole night, just sit in that easy pose and cry and tear and clear all those damned phlegm and snot and tears out of my system.
When we do not think, when we totally switch off from our material realm, that is when His voice comes through and through. You cannot deny His words and presence when you have no monkeymind to blame on, no ego-being to point at for conjuring up imageries and falsehoods. I was a blank slate last night, cos I was emptied out of any hopes or expectations of life. I was emptied out of any emotions, I was just an absolute blank, not at all knowing what to think about or what to hope for, or what to pray for.
So I saw us in a space. It did not quite feel like a past life, cos the place is rather happening. It was a rather fun place, there was much going on, but I do not know what. The place has a certain stillness to it, although there was a crowd. I have no idea what everyone or anyone is doing, but for sure they were not doing yoga (haha, my mind is stuck to the idea of yoga class for some reason). They were chatting, having fun, sharing ideas. Then I went off to the back, which was actually the front, and I saw a really familiar face. 🙂 Still, quiet, serene curved road, slightly sloped/hilly. And we connected! I remember this place very well, this is the exact same place where the guy in white shirt and folded sleeves came running out from the other fork of the road to say hi two months ago (during my meditative state). Two parallel curved roads, in a row of two-storey buildings. Hmmmm… that exact curvature, maybe not the number of storeys, but that curvature and slope.
The second meditation was what brought me to tears. I felt so helpless and useless, yet I know I will get there one day. Universe has been telling me in tiny different ways and gestures since 2010, probably before that too, but my brain’s memory to date is from that major threshold in my life. Little puzzles falling in place, and as little puzzles form a visibly comprehensible picture, the fuzziness of the much broader picture emerges. Well, I suppose I enjoy a good enough fortune to be able to see the “final” big picture of this realm time and again. As I type this, I understand now how wonderful a blessing this is, that I can see that big picture goal, instead of still struggling to comprehend life. That said, it is the human element (particularly mine) of impatience, that brought me to tears. I know what needs to be done. I know I have the ability to do it. I know I have to do it. I know I am the one to do it. And I know, most importantly, all these years, all these weirdo paths that I have been taking, all these crazy convoluted trials and errors I undertook, they are to build up my skills for me. All the people I have met – people I have split from, people I have stuck with, people who have angered me, people who have encouraged me, people who have guided me, mentored me in more ways than one – they all have their parts to play in nudging me on the path or honing me into shape.
It sounds so much like the Ego talking, with all the I’s and the Me’s in that one paragraph. Well, Ego does not always need to be suppressed, it has its place, as long as it is kept in check. I was tempted to edit it out, but no, in this case it does serve a higher purpose to know its service to Him, and feel honour and pride in that. Haha, and Universe did throw in a little bit of “gossip” to feed the Ego, but more as a matter of encouragement and solidarity. “She has to do that!” Apparently, it is something meant to be privy to only some, cos Archangel Raziel dropped in afterward to remind me that some secrets are afterall still meant to be holy. Oops. Ego ditzy but happy (now).
Thank you for the chat and the encouragement, it really helped big time.