Reading between lines and pages

I cannot believe a grand two hours later, I am still caught up in a this way or that way even though I have cleanly written it as a conclusion in the last post.

Today is not meant to be an indecisive day. I got a World card for myself, and an Emperor card for our group. There is no Two of Swords anywhere near the vicinity, so what is troubling me?

Maybe that is why the World appear? Implying that I know what is the “right” stance, now that I have collected enough wisdom, strength and integrity along the journey, and to be able to hold harmony between people? I am so glad I re-read the meaning of this card thoroughly. It has just explained to myself why I was “caught” in an internal impasse. There is always a reason why I do or do not act on something immediately. There are always so many ways to reading, defining, approaching an issue. There are always so many differing positions on a topic.

This had been a long-standing problem I face – I want to reach a win-win situation in all circumstances, big or small. This works as a good ideal when working on huge projects like community planning, yet someone always has to be the bad guy as someone will be unhappy with the results anyway. Ah well, I had a city of people protesting against my project, my first project in fact. I was absolutely broken, cos so much was done in the overall best interests for them… but well… something’s gotta give.

Yikes. That said, why am I so bothered over the little screwup? I feel it is because my mentor means a lot to me, and my respect for her will always make me want to ensure everything works best in her favour. That is not exactly the point either, because what she is saying makes all the right sense, just that in all timeliness, I missed out on her point and happily went ahead with what I felt was right and what I  also happily thought she agreed with me. Hehe. It feels funny now that I have written this out, so much sense ironed out. It is really a matter of “luck” that I happily agreed to something and now because I have said it, I need / want to maintain the integrity of my words, and thus, I guess, I will just have to say I’m sorry, bad judgment, but I cannot eat my words (I prefer eating ice-cream).

Ah-ha! I just counseled myself via a blog post. This is wonderful. I feel light and happy now. The biggest hurdle is always ultimately ourselves, don’t you think?

Anyway, I think she will be proud of me that I am finally making a stand on things instead of being swayed around. Hehe.

Affirmation that I am on the right track: Evlyn just posted this article about holding space for oneself.

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