Expansionism is my blood

As a trained urban planner, there is an innate tendency to spot patterns and gaps on any kind of plans. I started my day plotting locations of vendors for our new company website, and the natural train of thought was – oh, so there is such a place in this world; wow, I want to go there! Another UNESCO heritage site; hmm.. too much concentration on Europe. You mean there’s nothing in Africa yet? to “we really need to build up Asia“. And I started seeing the expansionist in my blood, for the very first time in my life. In retrospect, I had always been doing that in my planning work – we need a base here and here to make it worth our while; or there has to be something significant here to connect this whole development in its consistent manner. The largest project I have worked on thus far is 16,700sqkm and I had never spotted this personality trait until today. This is why it is useful to blog, now I see the connection between a past life and my current life. Yup, the one that I find quite awesome and brilliant on one hand, yet equally disgusting on another.

The day went past quite intensely, I had this tremendous pressure at the top of my head and it was not the usual “divine downloads” kind of buzz. I had wanted to blog, but time was not on my side today. Thankfully, the earthly realm discussion went well, and we can proceed~ with ease and grace.

I had a peaceful dinner break post-discussion, and was watching my mom chide the two children. This is watching a family constellation unfold, healing my soul without having to pay $500 for it. All the issues that I face? Hah, they are replaying right before my eyes, and I see what Evlyn and Anutosh had been guiding me through. This is why we need to have compassion for ourselves and for the people in our lives – there are just too many different perspectives, roles, and therefore truths (to each their own), that there is really no one to blame for it. No point being so hard on ourselves, yet, it is of utmost importance to view situations with objective and wise eyes. I am gaining so many revelations and so much understanding into how things turn out the way they did, and how there was really no way I can do better, but rather, how we can do better together, yet it is so dependent on the circumstances that do not necessarily move us towards that “better” direction / decision. While at the same time, I am seeing the other protagonist still blurry about what can be learnt from the present so as to undo the past. Sigh. I am also seeing my mother replay the exact stories from the last generation (me) on this generation (my nephews). The difference now, I suppose, is that we can speak up and prompt her into a different approach, but well, her free agency still reigns. This is seriously life throwing all of us a second chance.

Today and last night had a running theme of introspection.

Meditation last night was still. I have no idea what was happening. I was very present. Yet, I do not exactly know where I was – physically in the room, awareness is in the room yet somewhere else that I do not know, and brain was still and not monkeying. I felt a lot of energy running through my feet, but not through from the top, so I assumed that it was releasing of energy that no longer serves me. It was surprisingly stable, I used to jerk and flail my arms and legs about, but no movement at all today. It also did not feel like a release,  it felt like a download of sorts, but it was not coming through from the top of my head as it always does. Strange. Incomprehensible as yet.

Second session was the Sa Ta Na Ma meditation, which I am so familiar with, cos I threw myself a 40-day challenge which I emerged victorious! It was funny. I was energetically giggling cos it was really funny. I loved the music and was going to enjoy my girlish singing/chanting, but someone kept bringing me almost an octave lower. I relentlessly tried to raise the pitch to my “usual” to no avail. Each time I succumbed to “his” pitch, I could feel my whole self at ease and totally connected to the divine, as I could feel the intense buzzing of downloads from the crown chakra throughout my entire body. While each time I raise the pitch to my usual, I felt so out of place. I felt Yogi Bhajan beside me, and I asked him what was going on. But anyway, I was (once again) asked to relinquish control, and so I did. It was funny because Yogi Bhajan was on my right last evening, instead of my usual left. So Brain did abit of monkeying and asked, which he replied “I can sit wherever I want”. It was also funny because I kept missing a beat, and I could feel him saying “hey, you missed a beat again”. Well, the real lesson behind these sincere jives was actually to take things lighter, and not be so hard on myself. “We just want you to be happy.” How can one guide others if one takes life so hard, while what Life really preaches is to be at ease with what is on our path?

That was all I felt the whole evening. Still, nothing, blank. And maybe a little giggle. And I (maybe almost) asked “why do you get me here to just sit and be present?”.

I guess the biggest class was the supper with teacher Shirley after that. She told me that that is the most powerful, to be absolutely present, rather than be caught thinking about the past or the future. And that I was so connected to my Higher Self, that was the point of “just sit and be present”. HAH! I found out during the conversation that it was my Higher Self I was “channelling” in that deep low voice, which I thought was Yogi Bhajan. HAHA! You cannot even call it “channelling” because Higher Self is Me, so I am speaking my own voice. HAHAHA! That darn low sexy voice which I had forgotten once again.

I drew little sketches of light forms of the ascended masters for Shirley to help me check and confirm. It was so fun! I had a few mistaken identities, but it was cool that I can finally know the “mistakes” because I have reached the point when I just need to know I’m safe in familiar hands, that I stopped trying to figure who’s who. Apparently Guru Nanak was present yesterday, and he sent an immense white ray of protection and blessings. I was in absolute blur, and told her that Seventh Plane sent a shield of protection over me at one point, so there’s probably something not quite right going on. Hehe. Tsk. Anyway, whatever the case, I am thankful for protection and blessings. All the time. 🙂

For some weird / cheeky / ignorant reason, I asked her about the creamy beige energy with a swirl of black, which I was just throwing out to guess what Guru Nanak looks like in light form. It was obviously not, tsk! I have no idea why I asked! But I guess it was a good time to pop the question, since I have been quite intrigued by this frequency, the vibrations felt like that of Mother Mary, but a masculine version. While asking about it, I saw the figure of a priest with a cane. Hmm. Shirley heard “Moses”, while I heard “Abraham”. No idea, I guess that is my Google homework.

So interesting.

Yet in a way, it probably does not matter…?

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