So. I raised my voice at my ancestors of 4 generations ago. I cried, and raved, in exasperation of the deadlock we were caught in. A deadlock that I still see in my dad’s generation, my granddad’s generation, and of course my generation too. Not so sure about the next generation yet. I just burst into tears and angry words.
I was at an ancestral healing session, something I viewed with skepticism when I arrived (late tsk). Being the adventurous and inquisitive me, I went for the first round as a representative. Oh gosh, it fed my skepticism totally. I was totally stoned, no feeling, nothing at all, while the other representative was getting all emotional at me. Yikes, I just looked very bewildered at the facilitator, and shrugged and told him I really do not feel anything. He said it was alright, and explained that sometimes it may not be my (the person represented) issue, but the presence is more as an anchor so the other parties can wail themselves out.
I jumped at the next opportunity (the minute I saw no anxious hands raised) to have my ancestral line/issue healed. I had a quiet one in the other room, and … I am not sure what’s wrong with me, but I picked everyone in the opposite gender of whoever’s represented. It added to my (our) confusion, which I could see why, as the story unfolded. Anyway, we went over and over the same blame-shifting (/self-righteousness) and anger and a runaway great-grandma for a longggggg time. Impatient as I am, I asked to speak as a descendent … and I was allowed! I was flooded with tears when i opened my mouth.
I was looking at the situation of my dad, my bro and I, in separate occasions. My dad and I had always been close, and he had always upheld the image of all the seniors with great respect. Until one day at home in our kitchen (I had thought this would happen during our backpacking moments, but it happened at home.. ), he told me how he felt towards his dad – my wonderfully loving grandfather who drank himself to death on alcohol (fell off his bike when drunk. My goodness, him on his bike had appeared so many times during my different healing sessions). I was shocked, and I was aghast. Not by / towards the situation or the people, but by how superficial all our peace and harmony in the family actually is.
I recalled, too, my brother. I have always had (quiet) concern for my brother, because he is the only son (Asians hold male children with a different kind of eyes) and I see and feel a lot for him and how he is coping with the dynamics with my parents. He has always been alright, he is doing great in fact; but as you know, doing theta somehow just gives an extra edge on feeling things swimming under the surface.
So. As I watched the deadlock dead locked, and still passing the damned buck around, I felt I had to speak up. I guess the self-righteousness does run in the family. There was really no one to pinpoint, and no exact person to speak to, because it is really nobody’s fault. Everyone can be right, and everyone can be wrong, it is just a matter of choice of who wants to break the chain. But everyone has a heart, a soft spot. So I cried, and ranted a whole string of things that I cannot remember now. So great-great-grandpa came over and hugged me and apologised. I was in such a rut I did not catch the apology, until the representative mentioned. The rep for my runaway-great-grandma said he is seeing it in his real life family too. That was why we were all in that room together.
It is indeed magical. The ordinary lives of ordinary folks, they actually seed and uphold concepts for generations to come. Some good, some not-so-good.
I am thankful. Absolutely grateful. That I have the tool, access and guidance to unlock and release all that no longer serves us. All that no longer serves the past, the present and the future generations to come.