I died today. It was scary. Extremely fearsome.
That moment of facing Death, made me think hard about what really matters. I was very very scared, but I was in the middle of my laksa lunch, and did not know how to react.
I sensed it coming as I did a bit of healing work today. I knew what I felt about healing for others, was in a way, words for myself. “Aim bigger”, “let go of the current platform, it is too small for you”. I saw the image of Jesus washing someone’s feet, and I was dead scared. The first thought was “shux, that was when he knew he was going to die”. I didn’t dare to speak about that image, because… it was a foreboding premonition (I forgot the sacrosanctity of it in that moment of fear). Still, I knelt down and channelled healing to the knees, I would have gone for the ankles, but that would have been extremely awkward. When it was my turn to enjoy, I saw Jesus and my small table again. Now I get it, yes, I saw how small it was and how much bigger a space I needed.
My soul cried when I did the healing for my niece. In a way, I was a little curious, cos while tears rolled down my cheeks, she was unfazed. So, in another way, I sort of know my soul was crying for something too. My own issue, something must have struck a nerve somewhere. Maybe it was the ancestral healing the evening before, it was for healing that wall between us and others. I bawled my heart out during one of the “family dramas”, it was a daughter’s love for her father, yet unable to “wordify” it, because that’s not how Asian/Chinese families work. How important it is to express, give, and provide love while we are still in our physical bodies! I travel a lot with Dad, we spent many intimate moments of (my) vulnerability together, and there has always been so much unspoken support and actions, like him fetching me from China when I “ran away” from “home”. Yet what gets verbalised are angsty moments of passive-aggressive frustrations. I guess the unlocking of that generation’s issues has really unlocked mine. I was able to sit down with my mom and chat, look her in the eye and chat. I could finally sit down and listen to her voice her concerns for my siblings (I’m sure she does that to them about me too. heh).
So, back to that moment of lunch. Our walk to lunch felt like I was in a vacuum. I already felt I was going to die. That queasiness in my stomach – the solar plexus and sacral chakra were collapsing in. Not a good sign.
I was suddenly overcome by Fear. Is that how people die? Is that how they feel that they are going to die, even though they are extremely healthy people? There was no physical pain, I still felt extremely healthy, but there was a silent implosion. I felt a sudden wave of emptiness, I felt the foundation let itself go. I felt that inner collapse. It was an extreme fear. Is that how I am going to die – in the middle of my laksa which was not even deliciously good? A voice said “ask for healing” (Teacher Shirley was right beside me), and I adamantly said “can’t I do it myself?”, and the voice very sternly said “ask.for.healing.” and so I whispered and asked for help. I felt better after that, the Fear went away, and I wanted to say “it’s okay, i’m okay, no need for healing”. And the vacuum enveloped me again. I was obviously missing something.
When we went back to her place, I went to the window and looked down at the beautiful forest and the wise trees, and thought to myself “is this seriously how I am going to die?” I quickly walked away from the window (to avoid any stupidity), and saw her swamped by a wave of energy. We quickly tuned in and I got the message “the portal is opening” … and I asked her (if I remember correctly) if they are here to take me away, whether the portal was general, or something to do with my issue (I honestly don’t know what issue that was). Even she said “you are going to go”, and I told her “yea, I sort of knew I was going to die”, and she explained to me it is the death of the Ego. Oh my, what a relief to hear that, yet I was still dying inside, the queasiness, the entire caving in. It was so reassuring as she explained to me, and gave me an energetic healing (and some initiation), and I suddenly calmed down and felt full again. The emptiness had gone.
How Universe played this out so beautifully. Yesterday, Sky bashed me upside down again during the tarot reading, if there be a character for Tower card, it will be him. Such a young (and handsome) man, yet so much wisdom. It was a fun reading nonetheless as we almost ended up bickering tauntingly over it. It really got me into that questioning vortex again. There was someone else this time (his teacher, apparently) whom I ended up having coffee with the rest of the evening, trying to convince his Mind to take the backseat for Soul / Heart to come forward and lead. I was wrecking my head trying to find a way to do that (it had been my struggle these few months) and to help him do that (it is even harder). I suppose something must have made sense in that few-hour-coffee, that convinced my very own Mind (/Ego) to relinquish its seat and partner Heart (/Soul/Spirit). That would have been the perfect symbiosis! Each one to do what it does best – a reversal of role, not that anyone is rendered useless, but that each one does what it can do best. “The mind is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master.”
And so it happened today. Ego died. That’s how a Death card feels like.
I hurriedly said the unspoken to the unheard today. No idea how that is going to turn out, but once faced with death, the only thing one can feel is the great great Love.
“Love comes in Letting Go”. No wonder my Bottle 109 suddenly (and FINALLY) went clear and bright last night.
* * * edit * * *
One protagonist in this episode asked me about the meaning behind Jesus washing the feet of his disciples. Well, there are many meanings to it, and I suppose in this case, he managed to convince my Mind that there is nothing shameful about serving (/being a servant). Of course there are more important teachings behind this story, but I am sure there are many better opportunities in future to decipher them in conjunction with reality.