Dailypost is redeeming itself with a guiding marker today! It has aptly prompted me to view from a perspective of (ir)relevancy to the “turmoil” I underwent.
I broke down at yoga today. Had my hands covering my face and sobbing like baby, and it didn’t help that teacher Shirley said something along the lines of being true to your soul. I just sobbed even louder. Fortunately I had babybee behind me feeding me with tissue paper. My newfound soul-sister was in front of me, and she did not flinch. After the session, she just looked up and asked if I was okay. I pouted and sulked. She said “it was a really emotionally high session today”. You know soulmates? Soulmates do not speak much, but speak just enough to let you know that he/she is there to support you.
Today, again, I saw the work of the divine hands scrambling tiny details such that the storyline unfolds beautifully – from the SMSes I receive right before class, to even how we were seated during class. It was only after the session that I was told about how our mats were shuffled a few times, while I just landed myself in the super safe space between Baby and CM.
So many lessons learnt today, and it really takes a while to integrate and crystallise the essence of what I really need to get out of it. After 24hours, I have come to a conclusion that this episode is to teach me about honesty, the purity of truth, unmasking layers of misleading emotions to unveil the deep Truth of Love and Compassion, and really, to face it now, so I do not have to keep hiding it or living life in a lie.
We are truly a mix bag of emotions. Because, human prejudice. A group of people I had always looked upon with much disdain had been arrested and still held under custody since more than two weeks ago. With the CPC National Congress coming up soon, there are rumours that these bunch will not be let out till the dust has settled. One person whom I had almost always deemed as the face of “evil”, is in there as well. I took a different stance towards to rest of her clan, which I did not realise until the fateful SMS yesterday morning. Her mom and her sis had narrowly escaped the arrest as they were on the road from the northern home, and had yet to reach this southern home. Just a night ago, I had casually lamented to my sis “luckily CT was in PL… I hope she gets away” in response to our discussion on the arrest warrant for those not in jail yet. Ah well, I guess karma does have its own way of working things out. My ex-teammates are okay too. What a relief.
The yoga session showed me my soul. There is some form of emotional truth that I had never really faced. I wanted to hate them till the end of time, cos it only made sense to do so. However, they were afterall, “family”. We had lived some years together as I worked in a village far far away. We had “family dinners” together, however resentful I was towards such tenuous show of human relationships, and rather hypocritical ones too. However, her mom and sis had been really kind to me, the mom’s show of support through her sharing of her part of the woes and the sis’ show of support through just chilling out at my office / room at times.
I had hidden all these Love under layers of resentment, layers of anger, layers of disdain, and layers of grudges all these years. I had evolved and moved on with my consciousness journey, and had looked back at them with more disdain, more contempt and more condescendence. I realise now that these were all just misleading veils to cover up the real emotion of wistfulness, and maybe a little bit of regret that I hadn’t tried harder, and maybe some guilt of having run away from “home”. Maybe when I come to terms with the real truth of what had happened, I will blog about my escape. Right now, I can only delve in the self-congratulatory fact that someone else had to literally flee by night, while I had the luxury of backpacking mid-western China for a month before heading home.
So I re-read the life-changing book The Journey Home and finally came to terms with this concept of Love – the greater universal love of how we are part of a soul family, with the pact of playing a certain role (be it “good” or “bad”) to teach a certain lesson, or as a marker to guide / re-navigate each other on the “highest” path of “least resistance”. Now I understand why in Theta, we had to release resentment, and grudges, so as to feel the fullness of being. It was an easy one when the context was with my real family (mom, aunt, etc real kinship), but in the context of a “family” that I (thought I) absolutely detest, it is a different soul learning altogether. Deep deep deep lesson of Love, I tell you.
The abovementioned are all irrelevant. The key point here is that the lesson is over~ All four aspects / dimensions checked – Physical, Mental, Spiritual and Emotional. I’m done and liberated from this lesson for all lives past present and future!!!!!!
Even the above paragraph is irrelevant. What is important now is that starting on a fresh, clean slate of being and life, I embrace my dark historical stupidity. Embracing it meaning I will not hide that history underneath any stupid covers / narratives and just come clean with anyone who asks. A solid foundation is one built on truth, and one built on truth will not be so easily shaken. I am really looking forward to my life of Love, Light and happily ever after, built on a solid foundation. ❤