It’s weekend, so my brain has a little bit of timeout to blog what matters. Cards do matter, but they are quick outlets that do not connect deeper dots.
Here’s a picture of me unglamorously working in the nursery. The taller greens are baby mangoes and the tiny tiny ones are baby tomatoes. I’m fiddling around with seedlings of tomatoes, mustards, magnolias and probably some leguminous stuff I cannot remember. Feeding them with our homemade magic mix – compost, vermicompost, sand from the treacherous Moei river. I write in the present tense because looking at it always transports me back to the place where I found my Heart space.
Growth is when one realises that being comfortable in her own skin is akin to not worrying about how unglamorous one looks on the surface. Or how sad or unhappy or troubled one appears. When one really is truly in that mode. Of course I will not be caught dead dressed like that in the city, while at the same time I will also not deny that it’s a Marc Jacobs top that I’m wearing and I do wear my Coach pumps in the village, both not because I am vain but because they are really comfortable and functional.
I started on my new journey of exploration this morning, and was totally knocked out for the rest of the day. Mary Magdalene won the game, so here I am. I was all ready to start with Shadow work, but the therapist says I still have work to do with Inner Child before embarking on the Shadows. I have been working on this Reconciliation for the past four years, collecting back all my soul fragments, and returning what do not belong to me, and yet there’s still more work to do. I was already applauding myself for having healed the relationship with my mother, and now healing the not-so-horrible-but-still-important ones with my father. I sort of knew this was coming though, when I re-read The Journey Home and suddenly grasped a lot more of what Green was talking about. I had thought it would be me taking on the Intuitive Anatomy course or something, but apparently it is the actual physical healing of the body – this vessel we walk in.
It was a physically painful session, and I saw many stories I never understood or even thought about before. The first was mom, sis and I having our picnic in the lawn, where we had our lunch every other day. Mom loves outdoors, so we always have lunch out by our giant fig tree. It was just three of us, so it had to be before I turned three. It suddenly occurred to me that Mom never asked for anything, it was always about meeting other people’s needs first – us the children, and then later on all the other children whose parents were in too much trouble, so they grew up with ours. Dad was the same. It was always about taking care of fundamental needs of everyone. Emotional needs of ourselves were a luxury. Humanitarian, Aquarian household? Ouch. So the first issue floating in (and hopefully already floating out) is the denial of emotional needs. And our own needs. And always meeting others’ first. As though it was selfish to ask. It was a repeat pattern in my work journey too – always address my team’s problems first before working on my own – as though that was the way to go for leadership. I don’t really know yet, but now there is a naggy feeling that this is not exactly the right belief / theory to buy into.
The other issue that I caught a glimpse of was about my job. It was so fleeting that I cannot remember what it was about. It was strong enough for the therapist to take notice too. So I guess there will be some story unfolding soon. It is scary though, because my job is my own company, so there is no “I’m quitting this job” because the result would be dire. And I seriously think I like what I am doing now. It gives me so much space to learn and to grow and to write and to shape my resolve. Unless I get a farm. But even if I am to get back into farming, I can still continue with my current work.
Well. Live in the present to the utmost presence. And see where the Universe takes me. I resolve to live my life to my highest potential and to bring the highest good to all (especially mySelf)!