Breaking free

Yay, my last completed oil painting! It is titled: Dance like no one’s watching! This is the other canvas that was snuck into my room with Coral Sea‘s.

This is a piece of work that I will remember all my life. It should still be hanging around in the derelict island somewhere (I hope), or more hopefully in the dance studio of the international school (which I don’t really think so). I am happy to let it go. Very happy to let it go, in fact.

If I were to use any physical object to show what it means to be at the brink of exiting the Dark Night of the Soul, this is it. I went through continuous nights of 5am bedtime for weeks, and it was the most “alive-st” days of my existence. I was crying and crying and crying as I painted this. Can you feel the depth of emotion in it? The emotion is not one of pure sadness, or hurt, or confusion, instead it was an emotion of deep stirring of the light emerging out of the dark. Bursting out of the dark! It was intense feelings of breaking out of one’s cage, at the brink of freedom. I cannot even call it an edge, it is a point – a tipping point!

The object in focus is a pair of ballet shoes, and was meant to be a manifestation of a ballerina’s invisible but sense-able dancing feet. However, human body has its limits, and it is not possible to bend and flex the way these ballet shoes can. This painting was my expression of the limits imposed on the human physique, psyche, and my deep desire to break out of it, into a world a freedom where everything can work in any way, and no human notions to hold me back in all that I wish to achieve. All the rest of the curves were filled into the background because they made me happy. The flow, the depths, the lightness. I was dancing (while crying) as I painted this. The feeling of being so darn alive is indescribably amazing.

I thought I was sad, because I was just crying non-stop. I thought I was frustrated (well, I knew I was very frustrated) but it was no longer that. I thought I was filled with angst about not being able to do certain things, but it was not angst either. I could not understand and thought I was going mad. I wanted to see a shrink, but ended up at a healing session with a Japanese psychic who happened to be in town. He explained to me  a lot of things, and the pieces of puzzles sort of fell into their rightful places. It was in fact, a sense of joy and gratitude that I can be painting again. I will share the rest of the story when I am more ready.

Why I say this is the brink, and not the actual exit, was because there is something else I badly want to do to this painting but did not yet have the courage to do. Ah well, every painting has its time. I am sure I will be feeling enough freedom and detachment to apply it to the next painting.

Paintings really do tend to capture a person’s maturity (and emotions and every other existential trait) at its moment in time.

I will conquer. ❤


6 Comments Add yours

  1. phonynonie says:

    You said it right… Paintings do tend to capture the painter’s mood n emotions. Your turbulent state of mind craving to break free shines through in the painting.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. leapingtoes says:

      Thank you!
      This painting still turned out to be rather rigid, so I knew I have not broken through at that point in time yet.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Dark nights of the soul are times of purification so that you can be your all and at peace in order to accept your new vision, mission, step in your next stage in life. Difficult times, but well worth the lifted burdens, peace and wisdom that comes forth. Go shine that new light!


    1. leapingtoes says:

      Yup. Very shocking period of discovery about self and life. I cannot believe it took me three years. I only saw it when I broke out.
      *carebear shine*

      Liked by 1 person

  3. sadiewolf2014 says:

    Love this post, and the painting.


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