Another curious day/night. I woke up with blurry, puffy eyes, and for no reason at all, I cried all morning, so I assumed I must have cried through the night without knowing (what, why). It was not any better that the daily prompt took me to such a touching turn, which was like yanking a spanner to stop the tap from closing the flow. My goodness, must have been some weird planetary alignments again. So I googled and found this – Jupiter retrograde + Mercury Shadow. I didn’t even know what Jupiter does except that it’s the most visible planet viewable from even the most light polluted areas, because it is soooo biggg.
EmotionalNotions left a comment which was like giving me a key to gracefully open up the pandora’s box. “When you release what is in your head, a burden will lift. I’m sure you’re not the only one…” Sometimes we are so caught up in our own mashed up scoop that we forget that there is a whole collective consciousness.
I found out I inherited alpha thalassemia minor from my mom when I was in the final year of my undergraduate studies. It was quite a traumatic period having to deal with an archi final year project, while nauseated to the max, and having iron-stained fingers which the uni doctor insisted was glue stains. I was lucky that the nurse on duty stood up to the doc and then sat down with me afterwards to run me through a few things so I understand what was going on.
I finally dragged myself out of the studio and uni compound and went to my family doctor who explained in clearer terms what it was. Well, something I learnt in biology class but never thought that it would have precise use for myself. Mom insisted that it wasn’t from her (?!) cos she has lived a very healthy life, full of energy. Sis insisted that it there was no need for her to check for it, cos she is so energetic and actively engaged in sports. Bro insisted that it hardly happens to guys so there is no need to test for it. So I was the first in the family to know, and my dad did his share of research, so our family was more or less equipped with the more or less correct knowledge. So it was nothing alarming when we found out a few years later during some routine health check (i wonder why it never came up in previous health checks!?) that my mom has it; and also that my sis has it when she went through her health checks during pregnancy.
It was scary when I did not know what it was about (iron-stained fingers!!!) and the medical professionals did not even bother putting me at ease by explaining or giving some facts, other than that scary sounding medical name. That was the period when I was still manually drafting architectural drawings, i.e. medical documentations (or associations sites like this) were not readily available on the internet then (even if we did have the luxury of access). It was scary when my family denied a very documented medical fact. Well, it is true that my maternal grandma went through life and death without even knowing she had it. I guess I physically had it worse because it was compounded by some stubborn ideal that I don’t want to eat meat, and also that when i was tired, I chose a sedentary lifestyle rather than getting more active with the sports. Turns out years later, my naturopath explained to me that the more active I am, the less tired I will be. My sis was right all along (other than the denial part). In life, we do have choices, just a matter of how informed our choices are.
I went through quite a lot of ups and downs with it, the worst being bedridden for months and having only half an hour of awake time before I need to sleep again. It was scary scary scary scary. But I was very lucky to have a very patient and encouraging doctor – the brother of my country’s founding father. I had to take a blood test every week, and he would also counsel me about my lifestyle, and a very cute friendship forged soon after. He would give me free vaccines whenever I travelled to developing countries for my developmental work. That period helped shape my perspective about life and being human, and of course, getting a lot more information about this disorder.
As the years go past, I realise it was not as rare a condition as it was known to be. Either that, or I have been magnetising too many people with that condition into my life. At times I get really frustrated, because there is so much misinformation going around. Life really is very much about making decisions, choosing how you want to approach a certain thing, even if it is a disorder that you have no control over, because it is just in us, we were born with it. Quality of life is something we have control over though, but many still either choose to play the victim, or choose to take misinformation even after being told that there are other differing information out there in this world.
So yes, we do have a choice. Now I see what the Jupiter retrograde is doing – making me revisit what had traumatised me in the past and seeing it for what it is! I am no longer traumatised now that I have a much better understanding of it, and now I see that it is not a matter of denial by my family but that there are alternatives (even though it was not at all conscious on their part) on not giving power to what does not serve us. Looking back, I now love it for what is. It corrected many of my old, stale perspectives, because I had to deal with it in order to continue living in this world.
Oh gosh. A minor threshold passed, after such a long long long blog post. I still have not gotten to the crux of it – which is the next (or rather, current) threshold. Thou shalt take a breather, and continue in the next one.