I threw a dart today. In a mindful manner, of course. In the nerdiest of ways, I flipped a page (my mindful dart) from Thich Nhat Hanh’s Reconciliation: healing the inner child, and it says,
“We are in our children. We have transmitted ourselves entirely to them. Our sons, our daughters are our continuation. Our son, our daughter is us. And they will carry us far into the future. If we have the time to love our children with compassion and understanding, they will profit from that and make the future better for themselves, their children, and future generations.”
Haha, dad’s my sitting duck. Maybe it is time for a reversal of roles and I fish clews from his past and figure what it is that I’m carrying from him. Since I still can’t quite make sense of the regret and I see some anger and resentment emerging. When rationally, they “shouldn’t” be “relevant” to this event that is pinning me. Shrugs.
Maybe I spent too much time writing academic essays presenting objective and rational / balanced viewpoints that I cannot reconcile with the emotional aspect of things. Maybe I have too much judgement on myself and the way I saw things, especially when very unpleasantly surprised from a different light of what I used to be rationally presenting / writing about. Maybe I really am just very angry with myself for wayyyyyy underestimating the impact of emotions (and part of me just cannot bear to use the word trauma) just because I always shoved mine under the carpet. Until it exploded in our face. Maybe the regret stemmed from not doing what I could when I was still present in those moments. Maybe the guilt sparked from how many times the warning signs were there but I never heeded them and never voiced anything out but only reminded myself to be careful or chose to keep myself out and allowing others to have their fun. Maybe the resentment arose from realising only on hindsight that all the warning signs had been blinkering about the different abovementioned yet I did nothing about them. Maybe the confusion lies in why universe extricated me from the situation and now I am faced with the helplessness of the could haves, should haves, and would haves.
I invited my inner child out to have a chat in the living room (figuratively speaking, from the guidance of TNH’s book) this evening. I learnt that she really absolutely detests the sound of helicopters. So different from the inner adult. Guess I will invite her for a chat more often now.
Reconciliation – letting the grown you in the light counsel the one still hiding in the shadows of pain and lack of understanding. It is important and useful to invite these two out into a safe space of trust and work things through a little at a time.
Other stuff I learnt from this evening’s convo between my inner child and inner adult:
Mental health. It really matters to survival. Never underestimate that. Just because you think you are emotionally strong does not mean you really are. Neither does that mean the young ones under your charge are ready for vicissitudes the way you are.
And stop judging from a position of rationality. It only negates the reality of our existence. 😦