I am in the middle of a pile of work, but the lustre of the epiphanies pouring down is so shiny I have to put them down into words. [Sidetrack: if lustre is as luster, how then do you spell lustrous?] One epiphany that stopped me in my tracks was that it takes strength to see strength in another. The other was that it takes love to see love in a situation.
I had been labelling / calling someone as weak. Out of the blue today, I suddenly see so much strength in that person. So many things I was not able to do, and I was able to get away with not dealing because he was there to do the crappy cleanup work. I thought I had the strength to walk away, but now I see it as gratitude for his strength to stay and clean up. I still don’t see it as my weakness for not staying, and I no longer see it as his weakness for not walking away. Somehow over the years, the divine has quietly been sprinkling golden sparkles in my eyes, and as irrelevant to my life (or so I see it) now, I actually see it now. Guess it is always useful to see an old story with new eyes, and then learn from that strength in new situations. There are times when words he used to say suddenly sound in my ears, “please keep your opinions to yourself”. I was never able to say that, not even now. My modus operandi is to just keep quiet and ignore the situation like it never happened (when people offer unsolicited advice / uncalled-for comments on matters that are none of their business). It really does take a lot of strength to maintain boundaries.
The other epiphany is about reconciliation. I have been writing about reconciliation over many posts, about reconciliation with different aspects / facets of ourselves which we have unknowingly denied. Today I thought about how shallow we human beings can be by taking very singular definitions of words and how we see things. Many people see reconciliation purely as reconciliation with another person. I am sure life can churn out so many more possibilities than that. Today, I am seeing reconciliation with an old situation, an old story, and it does not mean going back to that old situation or old story, but to face it authentically and completely (okay, I am not so sure about how “completely” this is, life is full of surprises) and then view if for what it is. What it is, not what I see, nor how I see it, nor all the other constraints, reasons, excuses, perspectives, etc. From a position of detachment, or equanimity, I think? That is when Ego (or self-preservation, self-protection, all the little self stuffs) gets out of the way and we see how each player has played his/her role in it. I still get a bit (or very) peeved seeing so many players in the script, but guess everyone has a role to play, be it for everyone’s learning or for his/her own. Guess this also gets into the next train of thought of irreconcilable differences. That was just how the situation was. It is just a little sad that the differences come from having too many people involved. Guess that too, is why I (still) feel very iffy about righteousness / self-righteousness. So, when is it righteousness and when is it self-righteousness, that line is very thin, and I believe it can only be defined by the self himself/herself and the level of consciousness / awareness he/she is at. That is also partly why I always hold myself back and think whether something is considered domestic affairs that I should stay out of, or a situation that calls for some external party to step into (e.g. abuse mentioned in an earlier post).
Anyhow. Moral of the story – do not make snap judgements, jump to conclusions, or take any self-righteous actions, especially when you are not directly involved in a situation. There are so many unknowns to you, that the people really involved are in no way obligated to tell you about. You can make all kinds of excuses in the world to justify whatever you do or say, but will just further affirm that it is from a position of your self-righteousness.
Haha, alright man, after this whole post, I guess I am affirmative that I am still deeply angry with certain other people. More space for healing, but guess that’s a good step forward, like a recent quote I saw about how when we find answers, life changes the questions. ❤