Rains pours

When it rains, it pours.

I have been very quiet lately because … … it was pouring crazies. The week started out really brilliant, but got worse along the way. I was absolutely stunned when I witnessed a senior being mugged right opposite me in the tuktuk we were on. It was my first (hopefully last) experience with snatch theft, and I actually told my siblings about the robbery. Bro corrected me to say that it is snatch theft, and that it is normal. Gasp. It took me two full days to recover – from the shock and the high alert mode my body was on for the remaining day in PP.

By Monday, I was all braced for a normalised day in safe Singapore. But no. When I got to office, my phone had dozens of messages, asking about a friend. A close friend, an almost childhood friend, and pretty much almost family or a family friend. A colleague, a schoolmate / classmate .. alot of things. I quickly messaged our friends back in Melby and … … … the conclusion was that she had passed away the night before. I was all okay and zen throughout the day, just very busy figuring things out – all the questions (still not answered). But there are certain things we just know / knew, just never thought about that one day when we have to face reality and look it right in the eye.

I had tonnes of work to juggle throughout the day (because of the episode from PP, I was too stunned to work) and it wasn’t easy with my phone buzzing throughout the day. Honestly, I was a tad bit pissed. When people messaged with statements like, “had I known, I would have .. ” I don’t really see that as how life should work. If there are people you care enough about, you would love them and care for them when they are alive, whether they are sick or healthy, you would always have a tad bit of space in your hearts for them. If they are people that you have not extended that extra length of your arm to message, there is absolutely nothing wrong either, it is just that the person is not in your immediate “care radius”. Am I too zen? Too emotionless? I don’t know. But frankly, I do not feel so.

There were some bits of episodes between us, which “outsiders” probably saw as conflicts, or maybe even ugly. But it wasn’t, at least it wasn’t to me. I have my own life, I have my own dreams, we had our conflicts, and to me, it was easier to walk away, and pursue something else free-er and happier. Whatever the “others” saw. I wasn’t mature enough to deal with conflicts then (way understatement .. hehe), and it was really so much easier for me to look for higher ground in more spacious pastures. I never blamed anyone, it was really just much more sparse elsewhere. Whatever the “others” say.

Self-centred as it may sound, the first message I sent to a really close mutual friend of ours was that I am so darn relieved that we made up when I moved back to Singapore (from China). You know, there are just some friendships that grow so deep that you just cannot be angry with another for however “severe” the conflict may be. Whatever the “others” think. They would never be able to see that special space and bond in our hearts that still hold us together and that deep care for each other’s wellbeing, that is way more important than any petty quarrels or squabbles or most stupidly plain work.

That was why I was so angry (yet so relieved in comparison) when people messaged with the would-have, should-have, and could-haves. #noregrets would be the hashtag that I want every moment in my life.

There were other stuff I was angry about. I had always been angry about. Yet, there are many things in life that there is no point getting upset over, because everyone make their own choices and decisions. Everyone has the right to their own lives, to how they lead their lives. I broke down at the end of the day, after I finished submitting all the jobs due. I went home to my family (I had texted them in the morning when I found out, but never said anything else after that .. phone was too busy buzzing). Dad really knows me / us well. He said a very brief phrase that put my entire turmoil into perspective. “It is her freedom, and you gave her that freedom of choice” and all my anger / resentment dissipated. I had been feeling very helpless about not being able to convince her of what I had deemed as more “sensible” or “logical”, but she was not someone whose mind one can change. At the same time, I am not someone who tries to force a frame of thought on another … so .. I was just seething inside. Guess I should be proud of myself that I gave her the leeway of doing what she preferred, and yet also (/only) sprinkled markers now and then to remind her that there are always alternatives.

Guess it is also a bigbigbig lesson of how we are really working / walking on our own individual journey. And any other support / guidance / prompts are only external, and we can only serve the Universe. We cannot serve another.

❤ Life must be easier on the other side. No more pain, no more cold, no more (need for) pretence, no more “ideal image” to live up to. ❤ See you next life, dear, and I am sure we will do even better next time. Thank you for the huge part of the journey we shared. ❤

Never mind the “others”.