Anticipate

Started the year with a longggg phone call with a lonnnggggtime friend, just in time to say Happy New Year to the US side of the world. Guess it’s a prelude to the rest of 2019 having meaningful conversations and meaningful relationships with meaningful people. I anticipate positive dynamics for 2019!!!!!! ❤

The last bit of 2018 had me rather annoyed / upset with a few things, mostly to do with people. I guess we really have to accept that we outgrow relationships and that people change, including myself. But Universe was very kind. Memes that kept popping up were along the lines of “remember to unsubscribe from other people’s dramas” before the year ends. I have the compassion to listen when the need arises. But I do not have the patience to repeat whatever consoling words I have / had already expressed. I had to cut someone off / out of my life because it was really getting to me. I have no wish to be angry with someone who has passed, so stop bringing up all the old anger you have with her / her family / whatever whoever. I can console you once, share my thoughts / emotions once, but that digs up all the old angst that I had too. It took me effort to get over it, and it took my family to help me get over it, so please don’t dump yours on me. I have already gotten over it, so there is no point reigniting all the shits just because you want to mope and whine. So well, yea, I cut the person off and totally switched off from the whole episode / drama. And … arghz. I missed the memorial. I just saw it. *JUST* saw the little notice. Maybe it is for the better. I also do not know how affected I will be … because the friendship ran deep while it lasted, while she lasted. So yes, I would prefer to be introspective this period rather than to be affected by another’s or others’ emotions. Guess most of us have mixed feelings, but I would prefer to be introspective and delve on the positive side of the mix.

The other annoyance was someone trivialising something during a dinner conversation. I guess I took things too seriously. On hindsight, and after the very long analytical phonemail with bestie today, it is a mirror image of me, and probably I trivialise too many things too, and guess it is a big warning sign that for all I know, I may have been helluva annoyance as well.

Anyway, the start of the year seems to be showing me how to watch and care for my boundaries and energies and really how we are essentially what we choose to put our focus on. It is alright to focus on positive people and situations, and fence out negativity but with care to not be in self-denial while processing the sifting out of the negative. It is also important to guard against guilt. For some reason, we always have the tendency of feeling guilty about cutting people out of our lives. But we have to reframe the perspective not as cutting people out, but more that we outgrow our relationships and our situations. Evolution, I suppose. Hence, it really is very important to consistently pursue growth, in our thinking, maturity level, worldview, perspective of how the world works, etc etc or we will soon be left behind. Whether we consciously see it or not, each and everyone of us are constantly growing out of the old us. So many things no one can un-see or un-know. You can turn a blind eye to what you have just saw / witnessed / experienced, but you cannot un-see, un-witness, un-experience.

I spent today reframing a lot of my perspective on life, and my approach to life, events, people. I hope it will help me become a better person. In a way, it is a trial and error process. Actually, in the past months, I have been experimenting with a different approach, and be more open-minded, more open-hearted, and more .. arghz. I guess a little too “loud” for my own liking. But you see, that is how we figure. I would not have known I do not like this way that I can be – but I would not have known that I do not like this way of me had I not experimented with living life this way. Guess this is part of pushing boundaries. Finding the lines of judgement and then dissolving them. I had been working on the “Shine” aspect which I had found in 2018 to be what was holding me back from alot of things – so it was a good experiment / experience to find out what that “shine” entails, and the facets of “shine” that resonate or conflict with me. There are different ways of “shining” and there are flip sides of the coin if we are not careful. But I wouldn’t know until I am on that line. So yes, growth mindset – reminder to myself not to see it as a setback but more as a trial and error that I discover to not work for me.

Yes, so it is 2019. And onwards!!! To a better me, a better year, a better world.

❤