Looks like I managed to have a rest on Monday. 😀 This morning it was back to “wake up, you need to clear this too.” I cannot even remember how it started, but I woke up to dig into why I feel so fearful whenever I enjoyed consecutive rounds of success without fail.
Guess this is a very good time to dig deep into this, for it is a repeated problem that tripped me over for a sport I was in. I thought I was just bad at it. Guess it is timely because Olympics just finished so recently, and I haven’t had time to explore a question my dad asked me, “why didn’t you continue?” It is funny, because I always saw it as a nice feeling and a good brand name to be in the “national team” even though I only represented my country in a competition with my neighbouring country. hehe. It was the highest level of that sports that I saw as possible and I never imagined it going any further, because that is how small my outlook on it was. I just liked the sport, and I just happened to do well in it. The coach did ask me then to train for this and that, but it didn’t sound enticing from the way she spoke to me about it. So I answered my dad with a grimace on my face, “having to wake up at 5am to run 5km everyday. 5am Every Day!” Nope. I am okay running 5km everyday, but nopes to waking up that early. And what do I do with the rest of the day? Firing rounds and rounds of air again and again and again. Does not sound at all enticing to me. Now that I think about it, I might have a different perception of doing this if my coach has approached me in a different way, or at least help me have at least a larger goal of where to get to.
That was my conscious mind rant. Let us now get into the subconscious bit of things.
One evening over dinner, I told my bro, “had I learnt ThetaHealing earlier, I think I would have done much better at the sport.” He just laughed and said, “if you are good, you are good. You would have done it there and then, and not wait till now.” Hmmm. Ah well. He has a point there. Although there is another perspective on that same point of agreement.
This morning I asked why was it that I can get perfect score for the first nine rounds and I will totally mess up the tenth. It happens every every every every competition. I tried to overcome that it all kinds of ways, like pretending to not know it’s the tenth round, or trying very hard not to count but to treat every round like it is the first. It just wasn’t possible. As it turns out, my subconscious mind acknowledges that it is possible for me to achieve success, but it was not convinced that I can achieve success again and again, and that if I keep achieving success, at some point, I will fail very very badly. Almost like it was to make up for having “too much success”.
The second underlying belief was that if I achieve success, and if I achieve success again and again, then I will be stagnated. I will feel proud and then I will fall to hubris. So I had to send alot of healing, and to get Creator’s perspective about repeated success being possible (and possible to continue repeating the success without fail, and without having to fail), and about feeling proud, and knowing its difference from arrogance, and knowing that is possible to feel proud without becoming arrogant. And most importantly….
And the interesting bit before we got to all those beliefs above… is an ancestral belief / obligation that I did not see coming at all.
I was getting into my childhood when I was very fearful about my drawings being not good enough. (I still see Mom telling that to Oliver!!! I am so glad I cleared it at the ancestral level!!!!) I used get “shamed” for colouring outside of the line. So I would colour very carefully and they would always be perfectly seamlessly edgelessly matching the drawing lines on the colouring book. But it was not possible to be 100% consistent, and I would accidentally mar that perfect drawing just when I was about to finish. (Sounds totally like my air pistol competitions… and also in my paintings today.. that impending fear when I am nearing the end of that perfect painting..)
It was actually an ancestral belief, because we are an immigrant family. Actually most people today are immigrants, just that some migrate at a “higher level” while we migrated due to poverty and famine and all the extreme running away from the circumstances to search for a better life elsewhere. So I sent healing to every Chinese diaspora across the world, because it is deep-seated in everyone caught in those circumstances at the ancestral level.
The greatxgrandfather (heck knows how many generations ago) was in a boat to somewhere (it doesn’t feel like heading to Singapore, so it must be way before my great-grandfather). He was very very fearful because he had successfully reached to the final leg of the journey, and he told me he could not afford to make any mistakes, there is absolutely no room for error now that he has gotten so far. It was a life-and-death journey (while I am here shaking my leg, enjoying the aircon and blogging about it while sipping my coffee…). Every decision and choice or even any movement was of paramount importance to his survival. The alternative was death – dying and perishing and having his entire future generations perishing with him.
This one, I was taken aback. It suddenly dawned on me why this whole carrying the ancestral name was such a big deal. It is a huge deal for Chinese men to carry on the ancestral line, and I feel the pressure whenever I hear any such phrase (传宗接代) from the older generations or from tv dramas. I used to hold so much disdain when I hear Chinese people talking about that … but now I understand it at a deeper level, I feel quite bad that people have to bear such heavy burdens for such a perspective. So yes, I did what I could to help ease my bro (haha!!) of the load, by requesting to release everyone from such heavy obligations and let everyone have a choice and feel and know that they have a choice. I am so thankful that my ancestors made it and hence I exist today .. but it would really help to free fellow family members from having to carry that on, so that those who choose to, get to spawn happier lighter descendants. If you get what I mean.
So yes, that was how much work it took for me to release the fear of making any mistakes, and that I can lightheartedly try, and work towards success in a very smooth and positive manner. That it is possible for me to consistently succeed, and to do so again and again, without carrying the heavy load of worrying about missteps along the way. That it is possible to still achieve success even when there may be missteps here and there. And of course, that is is possible to achieve success repeatedly and consistently, without fail, without failing, without having to fail, without failure. All these are possible.
I had a short chat with mom this morning. She said there was a huge butterfly (palm-sized) in my bathroom. She believed it was an ancestor (specifically, she thinks it’s my uncle). She and my dad carefully caught it and let it out of our house, they were afraid that it will scare me. Yea, I don’t quite know how I would have reacted to such a huge butterfly, even though I believe I have gotten over that phobia .. No, I don’t want to test it. 😀
Now that I have connected the dots, maybe I can tell her this story later tonight.