Eclipse Season

Definitely eclipse season around the corner. My short-term memory is currently very eclipsed, “where the heck did all the time go?!” Even dreams were weird, it has been a long time since I “cannot remember” my dreams, even though when I was in it, I lived it as though it was reality. And when I awoke, they disappeared, almost like eclipse was a blackhole that sucked dreams out into a different dimension.

I meant to write about nurturance, but my world has been so warped through time and between time that I cannot remember what I wrote in actuality and what “I wrote in the lucid dream world”. So if I sound like a broken record, pardon me.

After the healing session regarding my mom, I explored further into my relationship with dad in my childhood. I probably did not mention, but one topic we were exploring was about betrayal. It is hard to imagine that I felt betrayed by my dad. (If you are reading this, Hello there!! *sheepish smile*) My conscious memory was that my dad would take me exploring in super amazing places to show me the latest technologies in whatever – e.g. high-rise poultry farming (since humans in my country just started living in high-rise flats and it was super land-efficient, and can work for animals too ….. …. controversial topic .. but that’s besides the point). I would even say that I chose the path of development work and urban planning because of all these childhood experiences. Guess this is truly how nurturing unfolds from child to adult.

So, the betrayal. I felt betrayed that dad always took/kept me away from my mom every time she gets anywhere near a meltdown. Maybe not meltdown, but anytime she found me too difficult to handle. From an adult viewpoint, it makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? You wouldn’t want a child to witness an adult “fail” at “adulting”. I felt betrayed, because taking me away felt almost like saying it is all my fault, when I felt it was not. Regressing to that point of memory, it was like, “it was not my fault, you really should just let her work it out with/through me, so that she learns from the experience as well.” Hmm. Strange, right?

It is not so strange now that I’m looking at this same story repeat itself, and my brain wanders/wonders, “someone really should just be harsh with her so she can learn her lesson instead of continuing to think she is right.”

We still skirt issues, tell her how/why things should be a certain way. Sometimes she hears, sometimes she listens, sometimes she insists “you were all brought up this way and you lived till now”. (See what I mean about, “look, you didn’t die on me”?) Most times we all just live and let live – the double Os live with two sets of rules applying to the different household. Sometimes, I just have to raise my voice to have her understand that her thinking is incorrect (or more nicely when I’m in better mood, “your thinking is outdated”) Sometimes she adjusts her rules, but still insists, “you are overpampering O/o”.

Shrugs. I don’t really know. The latest revelation is that we should really help her learn. But the most part of me just wishes for inner peace and familial harmony. It is really so much easier to live and let live, let her do whatever she wants, which is basically what most of use are doing now – just acknowledge her existence and let her do / say / think whatever she wants, and just acknowledge that we have heard / seen whatever she has said / done. I don’t know, is this the best for her? For now, it is definitely the best for me; and looking at everyone else in the household, it looks like the most peaceful and harmonious approach.

Ah. And so it is! And it shall be.

Peace. ❤

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