Jenga Layers

Eclipse is clearing layers and layers of beliefs, and surrounding different topics. The one last night – I wouldn’t exactly call it a dream, cos it affected me so hard that I woke up, sat up and worked through it .. tsk – revolved around competition, or the feeling of competitiveness, and omg, that topic started clearing from my early days of theta work!!

When I think back on my past, I will not trade any bit of it for anything else. I always see myself to be very fortunate to be given all the opportunities that life gave me, and I still do. But hidden within them, certain things have served me so well and set up to be who I am today; yet at the same time, now that I am who I am today, there are certain traits that can be released to the winds to embrace something bigger. And a super good example is that competitive streak in me. It’s probably written under all kinds of guises (that even I don’t recognise) in all the past posts.

I attended the top school here, and if you want to talk about competitiveness and competition, that is helluva good example. And how would this quiet little girl happy and satisfied with whatever life gave me end up in the school I never heard of? Neither did my mom hear of it before, but it was because of her competitive streak (which she or me or anyone in my family obviously doesn’t know of) that really drove me (and everyone of us, in fact) to perform. It was also the competition she has put in place in our family, that drove me to perform to the best I can. It isn’t as easy as it sounds, there were all the stress and pressures and tears from not being the top girl of the primary school I was in (before I made it to the top girls high school). To top it off, the competitive matriarch always said my stress is self-induced, while she kept comparing everyone of us siblings and cousins (remember, my household is like a village…).

Part I – Family

I probably did not mention this story yet, but it was one of the major releases in class. Omg, it is really the release of THE STORY OF MY LIFE that I never knew about! I have always felt all sorts of negativities in my relationship with mom (I do feel lots of positive love and support as well.. but it’s outside of this story) but I never ever noticed nor recognised that she (and I) always had this competition between us. It is like I really grew up feeling like my mom sees me as competition (without being able to see it so clearly as that! if you get what I mean) and is always trying to put me down so that she wins? Even in recent days, in the pandemic, she would be trying to out-talk me by decibel level. It was noticeable in that manner when my sis had to repeatedly remind my mom (telling her off, basically) to not interrupt our conversation. It was very obvious over the entire pandemic period, since all of us are stuck home with nowhere to go, sis and I would be chatty chatty chatty, and then mom would jump in and talk about her own stuff that has nothing to do with our conversation. It happens with my bro too, but bro and I will just pause our conversation, let her say whatever she wants whether or not it is related, and then continue our conversation after she’s done.

It is like whenever I am enjoying something with any other member of the family, she would find herself jumping in to bring that torchlight onto her. It is a really strange dynamic, but I never saw it so clearly as competition before. How it helps me now? It is helping me alot because it is not healthy to be in constant state of competitiveness, to feel that one has to be in perpetual state of competitiveness. There is no need for one to be better than another, we can all just be the best of ourselves without dimming the light of people around us! That was where I held myself back in alot alot alot of ways, I try so hard to avoid competition, and the higher perspective of it is that there really isn’t a need for competition to begin with. We can all just be driven and motivated to be the best versions of ourselves, without worrying about being competition to another person (yea, silly as it sounds, I was worried I was competition to this person that person etc etc etc etc etc, and so I just avoid pretty much any damn thing there is to do in this world???!!!!!)!

Part II – Society / School

This part of the story has been written about before since it cleared out decades ago. I was in the national team for air pistol and school team for air rifle. So I actually found myself caught unnecessarily in competition with my own teammates (?!). But seriously, it’s a sport, and played at a high level of participation, of course it had to be competitive! There were all kinds of competitiveness here and there – to get into the main team (instead of being benched), fighting for the weapon of choice (it’s just air, and it’s just a sport … just to be clear … we don’t even shoot spiders although I remembered someone tried to). Gosh, why do I even retain storage space in my memory for this?! Growls. But yea, the good part is, after I healed a certain issue with a junior over competing for (although, relinquishing is the more correct term in this case) the spot on the team, she actually messaged me a day or too after that healing (we had not kept in touch since graduating from junior college!!!). It is amazing, because my conscious mind didn’t even know it was an issue, but it blocked me from doing alot more and bigger things in my life after junior college. So yea, Subconscious stores all kinds of obsolete programs which used to be so helpful in its heydays.

Part III – Past Lives

Here comes the exciting part, and why I am blogging about the layers now. Last night, I got myself into a mild panic attack, was not sure if it was a dream or it was not, but anyhow, I awoke and sat up and continued to work through it cos the anxiety pangs were pretty scary. The description is very graphic, so you may want to stop reading here before you get my anxiety attack too ….

I was surrounded by at least three other healers, I was in immense pain, my eyes were gouged out. (There were other people in the background too … ) Turns out that I was new in the neighbourhood, and because I was very clairvoyant and psychic, they saw me as competition and gouged my eyes out. (OWWW!!!! I woke up with my eyes feeling super duper sore… tsk!!!) So I swore to myself that I would never let anyone find out that I am clairvoyant, and that I would hide all my psychic powers and abilities, especially from fellow healers.

!!!! TSKKKKKK !!!! Hence, in my world today, my daily struggle had been to juggle the dilemma of 1. putting myself out there and letting people know that “hey yo, I can help you yo” versus 2. “hey yo, please don’t find out that I can do healing work yo”. [The additional sub-story is that I also fear joining new groups, new circles, that new people will ostracise me, etc.]

The good part is that I have cleared those feelings of having to compete, having to hide from competition, having to be competitive all the time, which probably sounds all jumbled up and irrational, but if you think through the lens of fears, you would know that it makes sense. The most important part is actually getting to the root of it, and understanding it, cos that opens up to where the healing can happen. And so alot of healing happened to me while sitting up from a nightmare/dream. I suddenly feel alot more open alot of safe alot more supported, because I no longer feel the need to hide or be suspicious of every person whom I could otherwise have great vibes with, and that I can really accept and welcome alot more loving and lovely people into my life without keeping them at arms’ length. It just plainly feels good and liberating.

Breathe. Ya, that feels so good.

Past lives as healers aren’t great .. tsk. I had already healed so many things to do with persecution – burning at stakes, drowned, all watched by crowds of bystanders, the loud chantings while they watched. Omg. Really not great.

Guess I have just highlighted what else I have to work on next. And so I shall.

Thank you for reading this batshit crazy long post of blurb.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Not at all “batshit crazy”.
    It strikes me that “healers” and “rulers” are close companions. Both seek peace and order among those to whom they feel a duty. And there’s great power in each, useable in both constructive or selfish ways. So there’s always a sense of burden to some ethical or moral state. And yet, we are all still humans.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. leapingtoes says:

      omg! I just wrote another one along those lines!

      Liked by 1 person

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