I just read through my blogpost on 1 March about the whole Covid episode so as to refresh my frame of mind during that time. There were many details of my conversation with Creator that were obviously not in there (so as not to jinx it!! hahaha). I am now safely in Phnom Penh, so wooohooo~ it has all come to pass.
The story started all the way in the later part of Feb, when I was attending class, and getting Mind to embrace the omnipotence of God the Creator. So even for the whole covid thing, it was a whole matter of how do I calm Mind down and embrace the miracles and magic. Must Mind step aside for Faith to step in? Must Faith overcome Mind’s rational (absolutely reasonable) processing?
This whole overnight-turning-negative part of the story aside, there was another side story which I really was not ready to write it out (as explained above) until now.
In the frantic processing of the whole confusion of negative-positive, the why’s, how’s, then-what’s, I was desperately considering whether to do my PCR test or not (it’s $100 per test, I’d already been doing self-ART that’s easily added up to a hundred too..). In that desperate conversation with God, He told me that I would not need to do my PCR test for my trip. “@!$@#%!$#%$&#ˆ&$%&#ˆ%$#!!!!!!” was what came to my Mind. The focus of my question then was, “should I do my PCR test now, so that in case there are still fragments, when I do travel three weeks later, I have proof that it is not a new infection.” To me, His answer was a non-answer.
I was very pissed off with the world (society, mandates, rules, regulations) then, “shouldn’t what matters be that I am healthy? Why is the question now about whether I am/was positive or negative, whether I have turned negative, or whether it was an old positive? Shouldn’t what matters be that I am now very okay?” “Why am I so worried about all the paperwork and proofs, rather than the fact that I am now healthy?” Yes, so I was very very positively pissed off then. While still swimming in the, “what is the best thing to do in this freaking irritating situation?”
Sidenote: this whole process really taught me to see from the perspective of the people "on the other side of my reality". Thank you for showing me empathy and helping me see through others' eyes and worlds.
“What do I do now?”
“Have Faith. I am telling you, you do not need to worry about the PCR test for your trip.”
“Whattt…!!!” (Remember how grim things were three weeks ago? We were having easily 15k cases a day…)
“I want to have Faith too. But remember Preparedness? What happens if I misread your message, and then the pre-departure PCR shows up as positive because these fragments are still lingering in the system?”
“You are healthy, you are clear of the virus. You do not have to worry about this.”
(Loop the above convo ten thousand times) “I just need the answer on whether or not I should do my PCR NOW.”
“It is okay to do your PCR now. If it brings you peace, do it.”
(I can loop another ten thousand times about, “but it’s 100 bucks” <—> “but it brings you peace”)
Three weeks of peace is worth a hundred bucks was the final conclusion, and hence you can see the the two Negatives on that earlier posts.
So. Forward to three weeks later, on the Friday before my trip, “Cambodia abolishes need for PCR tests obtained 72 hours prior to arrival and Rapid Tests on arrival” (Khmer Times).
Think, “!@#$@#%$@#%#$@ˆ$%*ˆ&%(&(&!!!!!” in the most joyful unbelievable manner. First thought flashing through Brain, “omg. God is bigger than Govt.” (No blasphemy intended, but I really really was truly amazed. Creator has been delivering so many miracles, but this was not one that I expected … my Mind had been so focussed on overcoming worldly policies and regulations, I FORGOT that God is greater than anything and everything else.)
(You won’t believe the strong/stubborn Mind … )
I called the embassy to double check that all is in place. Embassy confirmed, and advised that I must still follow boarding requirements of the airlines. So I called SQ which is like forever on hold, and waiting on the line for an hour on the first day, two and a half hours in the morning, another one and a half hours in the afternoon, until Bro had to remind me, “you sure you have that many free minutes for your mobile plan? Use the house phone to call.” (He had spent 1.5hours to get through -he managed to!!!- their hotline for his own stuffs.)
Without that assurance from SQ, I postponed my test for a day, thinking that maybe they just need time to update their website. The next day, still no updates, still not getting through. I recollected the entire conversation with Creator, and decided, “it really is time to go by pure Faith”. (Which isn’t exactly true either, because it is like 90% confirmed already, just that last final assurance that the airlines is not going to stop me from boarding cos I did not have whatever test they required.) Finally, weighing out everything, I cancelled my test and went by Faith that Creator will take me through that 10% uncertainty.
So yes, troubling myself for nothing, right? Imagine the amount of stress I was in all these weeks. It is really a pent up vessel with a timer for its pressure valve release. This vessel has got great pressure control though (good job, me!) and did not explode, but breathed a huge huge huge humongous sigh of relief when I exited the Phnom Penh airport.
I totally absolutely trust Creator and all the magic He has brought into my life. My next question is though, then why couldn’t I just move with that pure trust pure faith, without putting myself through all that worrying? Creator does not need to prove himself to me, but he has done so so so so so much magic all my existence. Why can’t I just fully fully fully lean into it, and be worry-free? Why do I still subject myself to such tremendous amount of stress about it? (Feels like some belief about certainty to work on.)
Vianna wrote this in her manual, probably where I will be looking for answers on the above.
There are three Types of Faith:~ Vianna Stibal, Advanced Instructors Manual
Blind faith, rational faith, and the unequivocal faith of truth.
It Just Is.