Strange strange day again. I woke up amazingly calm and peaceful, and really absolute stillness in my heart. ABSOLUTE STILLNESS! Omg. How I have longed to get back to this point, and wow, absolute gratitude to how I have gotten back to this point of stillness again. It is just such an amazing feeling. It’s the first time I regained this level of zen since moving back home (I have been bunking at my bro’s .. or more nicely put, I have been plant-sitting and house-sitting for quite a few months).
That feeling of waking of fresh. Even though I had weird (and pretty much scary) dreams last night. This is sooo good. Keep me at this level, Universe!!!
What has been the difference? I would think it is because I meditate, cleanse and align myself before I head to bed. Guess that helps with being sure that the dreams are working along the trajectory of alignment, rather than trying to clean out weird thoughts that occupied my day brain.
This level of zen and this level of clarity … made me see some old stories with fresh eyes.
Ironic as it may sound, I really don’t like revisiting old stories, because I like to just focus onward (the past is over… !!!). My approach has always been to close old chapters as quickly as I am allowed to. This morning’s feeling was that it was because I had held regrets – be it guilt, shame, super heavy resentment, etc – that I want to just quickly move on and not face them again. The key word of this morning was shame. But I guess that level of zen also inferred that I am at a (good enough, I hope) level of acceptance that I am in no hurry to sweep them under the carpet, but rather face each shadow aspect solidly so I can truly close them at a good level of neutrality – i.e. without an ounce of guilt, nor shame, nor resentment.
I have no idea of what is up, but it feels much like a life review, starting from adolescent days – the close supportive people whom I have shut out of my life because of my own sense of embarrassment (I can’t put it to words yet, cos this thought just flashed in this morning.. for the very first time of my life… I had shut it down for as long as I can remember, and they had really been such amazing support before things went awry). Universe was reminding me this morning to reach out and give thanks. ❤
This morning, I looked back, and .. thought… I am really quite a b*tch.. at how fast I appear and disappear in people’s lives. And I never really considered anything further and … ouch ouch, how much I take things for granted. I am appreciative and thankful in my heart, but I never expressly conveyed my gratitude, and that really doesn’t count (/ doesn’t help). I am and always had been truly appreciative and felt all the gratitude in my heart for all the little things that people have done for me. But that not being expressed, as of this morning, I actually felt regretful that I had not expressed it, and in the physical-realm viewpoint of things, it is as good as taking things for granted. OUCH!!!!!
Ya. Hence a rehearsal of the life review process as I walked to work.
Guess, that is clarity. That is a good enough level of Zen to have new insights zap in unannounced and unsuspected.
Thank you Universe. Thank you to all my loves who have been so kind to me all these years. Thank you to my favourite person, although this time he is second in line for the life review. haha.
Oh, border! 
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