Old Guilt

Just worked on myself! I thought I was working on anger and pissed-offness towards someone, and it turned out to be guilt! The guilt came from having to block her from my circle, and guess I really hate excluding people.

All the weird things that underly the superficial emotions. Interesting, eh?

How old can guilt be? Checking into my system on how this guilt started – OMG, it is sometime in the Manchurian times. Just checked wikipedia, and the Qing dynasty is 1664 – 1912.

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I saw a Manchurian lady talking to a eunuch. Turns out that she was instructing him to get rid of a palace maid. So I zoomed into the situation, and the palace maid had been gossiping with the other maids and stirring a lot of uncalled-for trouble as words got around (very trivial things). It caused the lady a lot of unnecessary headaches and drama to resolve.

The learning from the episode was about keeping the inner circle clean and pure. For once a tinder starts, it can spread like wildfire, and with the much larger picture in mind, it is best to put it out before it spreads. I find it quite daunting, having to maintain the circle clean and pure, and constantly having to snuff tinders out. It was then explained to me with the analogy of a garden: when we put in effort to pull out the weeds, the other plants in the garden will have the space and nutrients to grow healthily and bloom beautifully. (Of course, I can get into the whole argument about – weeds can be quite nice too and they deserve to live well too. But, it has to be framed in the context of an intentional community garden – and effort is being put in to groom the plants intended, and tended, to in this community garden.) So the crux was to ensure that everyone can grow healthily, that I can grow healthily, and the community can grow healthily to the highest potential that we can be. (Guess the other keyword here is – highest potential).

I asked about the lessons learnt from the episode. Firmly grow, move ahead freely and lightly without the deadweight dragging from behind. Being able to say no to unhealthy energies without feeling guilty, without feeling like I am rejecting / excluding her, being hard-hearted, hard-handed if I have to. I was actually told that that is leadership. Or rather an aspect of leadership. Protection was another keyword – protecting myself, protecting the others from such unnecessary negativity. To helm the people, it takes a much higher viewpoint and if it requires some tough work on the individuals at the lower level, then so be it.

Then I specifically asked how to apply the lessons from the Manchurian times to my current situation. Love myself first, maintain a big picture, so that I can continue my work in the long haul (and drop deadweight!). Another analogy was that when the roots are stable, the tree grows healthy, the small weeds won’t matter anymore. All things in a matter of proportion. Yups, so for now my community is in its infant stages, and I really need to put in the work of tending to it, including weeding out people whose vibration is just too way off to even be in the group. Guess I was still holding to quite some bit of old guilt, and I was shown that it also helps the person to get weeded out because her vibration does not match ours and it is so much better for her too, to release her to find where she belongs, instead of her struggling (and shitting on us) and also not learning her lesson.

I was shown benevolence too. Benevolence is not about carrying people on our backs, but really to allow them to learn their lessons and grow. (I had mistaken that to mean open-heartedly taking care of people … haha! Naivety. )

Cools! Haven’t written in a while, and this is quite a nice learning story to share!

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I have not been complaining much online, because all the action was offline. 😀 So, the story goes: there has been this person who has been attending my classes, but for some reason she just does not learn. So it totally bewilders the rest of class – why is she still coming? (I’m still totally bewildered and have not found the reason yet. Nowhere near getting the answer, and so many theories thrown into the pool.) I have written her so many messages explaining a lot of things to her after every class, and the most recent one being that if she doesn’t learn to work on even herself, there is no value she is gaining out of attending my class. But she still WANTS TO JOIN. I don’t understand. The most recent class was the last straw – too many superficial promises, empty hope, and damnalot of shit energies thrown at me and the students. So there, byebye. She was really deadweight – she does not pull her own weight, she does not even help herself when others are working on her. I really don’t understand. I thought my self-work session today will shine light on why this is happening, but it turns out to the story above. But yea, it still gives me clarity and direction. WEED!!!! Weed her out I mean … but … she’s really WEEED. (Not referring to MJs.)

Thank you Lian Rodriguez for the image https://www.pexels.com/photo/brown-and-red-temple-2915957/