Today is the third day of my 4-evening Thetahealing class. When I woke up this morning, it was already nearly noon. My body must have been working very hard rewiring all the cells. Clearing all the terrible memories and beliefs in my system, and integrating all the essence of the more important/useful stuffs that I’m learning. My stomach is churning and has been churning non-stop, and it is definitely not from hunger ….
It can be quite an exhausting journey, and sometimes (usually when I am in the midst of it) I wonder why I put myself through all this. It is a rhetoric question .. and I normally stopped asking that when I’m enjoying the light at the end of the tunnel when I emerge lighter with greater understanding of what-the-heck-just-happened. Noting that I am still in the middle of it, this is going to be more of a rant. The illumination will probably come in over the weekend.
Other than the classes at night, I work on myself in the day because things just keep surfacing. Yesterday was about my self-worth being determined by my mother. It is really quite crazy. I’m past 40 now, and the matriarch has cast such a strong shadow over my life that I am still clearing all the thoughts she has imprinted on me (us?) in my childhood. Powerful, right? The asian tiger mom has full control over us and how we think and how we see ourselves. She has set the foundation for how we conduct ourselves (I would say we are all doing really great because of her teachings/trainings), yet it is also like a cage whereby we can only be the person within the bounds of what she has set out. Yea, we all turn out brilliantly as how her idea of society would want us to be. But apart from that, there is zero capacity for how we can turn out outside of her cage. I mean, we should all mature for sure, but the foundation is like WOW, SO STRONG that it is a concrete base and a concrete cage.
I am super darn grateful I got to live independently in Melbourne (also very much thanks to her who really wanted me to have a good overseas degree) and got that space to know who I am for who I am instead of who she tells / shapes me to be. I am sure she wants everything good for me, not for herself. But the intertwining dynamics of – deepdeeepdeeeeep down, it is still for herself; maybe how she did it for my good was not really the best way forward (but we all do what we can, so we cannot fault anyone for not doing better … in a way) – or maybe just ultimately the whole feeling of – how I wish things weren’t like that. Which is probably the best summary of the rant. But the continuous loop of questioning would be – things always turn out the way they are meant to be because there must be something we are learning out of that… so well.. yess.. I’m sorting out – wth am I meant to learn of that.
And how this story unfolded was in the most innocent of ways. And this is also how deep conditioned beliefs and way of lives can affect us in the weirdest and most awkward of ways. Tsk! I bought a whole new stash of white tops because there was a sale, I love white, and all the tops were in different designs and materials, and they look great.
Before I left the house, mom commented “looks good”. By “normal standards”, anyone would just take it as a compliment and just say, “thanks”, right? I just nodded, acknowledged with an “orh” (which is our way of saying “alright” in an unassuming “I heard you” way). No smiles, no nothing. I was probably already mighty pleased that I didn’t give a black face. How strange, right?!
The backstory is that my mom has been commenting on everything about us all the time, it is just normal to her, or maybe that is her language of love. The thing is that it is more frequently unsavoury comments or criticism, more than compliments. I try to avoid her before stepping out of the house so that it doesn’t ruin my day/mood. I usually only talk to her when I am back at home, because I have a bigger capacity for tolerating any comments, and I can usually just shower them off before I sleep.
So this time, even though it is compliments, my body already had its armour up, ready to zip out of the space in case it was any of those “you have not … xxxxx”, “why don’t you … xxxxxx”, etc.
When I am in a time-space of healing, all these things usually get held up against a magnifying glass. And the questions keep raising, and issues keep surfacing. And of course, the most important part is that I will keep clearing, healing and nurturing.
Maybe that was like a cage unlocked, or opening up of a Pandora’s box. Things just got deeper and deeper during the class at night. I saw more and more into the surface I had just cleared on my own. I am dead zapped now, I suppose I will just clear up my “mess” when I finally get out of it. Or maybe (and usually) the “mess” will clear up on its own when it’s all done and dusted.