So. We celebrated National Day two days ago. Which also meant that over the last two weeks, there had been rehearsals. Which also meant that there were super loads of aircrafts every weekend. Which also meant that there were fireworks! Sounds fun, doesn’t it?
Well. I forgot. And got caught in a situation that my “PTSD” was slightly triggered again. It was a Saturday afternoon tea in town with friends, and on my way back, there were the huge ass choppers flying overhead with the crazy piakpiakpiakpiak of their rotor blades (they were flying very low because it was pretty much a show rehearsal), and I started tearing up. It was pretty annoying, because I worked on that years back (probably blogged/ranted about it) and really caught me by surprised that it’s still hanging around.
It must have come back for a reason because it just was that perfect timing – I was in the middle of my Disease and Disorder class – and I can put focus on it to get it resolved. Unfortunately, it wasn’t all rosy like just send a healing in a session and bye-bye ptsd. The instructor asked me about it towards the end of the course, and I got kind of irritated and put up some weird answer (usually, I don’t do that, I’m pretty cheery most times during class). She’s such a lovely loving lady, she actually talked about alot of things which sounded like totally off-topic / side-topic from the helicopter/fireworks issue, and … bingo, I actually got to the root (or at least the root that I am currently ready for) of it.
Basically, she told us to go back to the very first time the disease/disorder started (which is basically what we do all the time anyway). What comes next was what broke me away from where I was blocking myself: look at, “what is it that they needed (or needed to learn)?” “what is it that attracted it?” If find that out, we don’t have to create it through illness (alot of times, people created / attracted something to make us strong).
It was very interesting now that I see the connection. The people I was working with were people who were forced to run away from conflicts, they were fleeing their (original) homes, they had to makeshift and settle into a place that is not their home, but it is safe (safer, comparatively). How did that feel? All the despair, the helplessness, like there is nowhere in this world that makes sense, and that the easiest (or what makes sense) is really to make do with what there is in life and then figure things out (without even the certainty that there is some ultimate endgame outcome/understanding at the end of it).
Then I thought about myself then. After learning ThetaHealing, I learnt that basically we attract every situation to teach us something or reflect something so that we can learn from it. That situation was an exact mirror to the inner conflicts I was facing then. I just came back from Shanghai which at that point in time, I thought that was my endgame home, but turned out that I came back feeling utterly defeated. I stayed at my sis’ cos I just couldn’t deal with my mom (my original home), and then sis got pregnant with Oliver, and I still couldn’t imagine myself moving back to home, and thus, it was really time to move on to other countries, and GG was an easy choice – in fact, it was a perfect match. I chose to work at GG because the work matches the development work that I have always wanted to do (and now I look at it, ah well, I wanted to do those work because that was how much I felt about all these and these too being the inner conflicts I was feeling within myself).
OMG. IT REALLY IS A MIRROR.
The picture is so much clearer now. I really need to put in more time into my own healing. I suppose I was also running away from doing that healing work. And so the Universe put a whole blank space in my calendar next week and made me blog today. I could have just sit through it during the class, but I guess I needed to come to terms with it myself.
Ya. That’s a whole load of rant that probably don’t make sense. In summary, I had sort of PTSD (see, I’m still not recognising that even as an issue) and it gets triggered whenever I hear helicopters (because I hear helicopters every night up in the mountains and I totally felt for the people in the conflict side of things) and I get freaked out when I hear firecrackers or fireworks (because it sounds like live firing all over again) and I break down into tears (which is happening again right now as I type). It is okay when I watch fireworks and hear them, but it freaks me out when I hear them (without seeing them) cos up in the mountains I hear them every night, and all I could think of was all the innocent people caught up in the conflicts that weren’t of their choice.
I guess I am ready to really work on it now. The last time I worked on it was probably more than four years ago, and I think I probably only managed to identify the fact that there exist PTSD in a person who didn’t even see it as trauma because “they went through the trauma, I was really just watching from the sides”. I think now I am ready to really see it from the High perspective of why did I even put myself in that situation in the first place, what am I learning from it / what did I learn from it, and are there better ways to learn what I needed to learn without having to go through that again? Without having to put myself through that again? And also now that I have a Higher perspective, it is really also that we are all here on this earth to learn certain things, and thus if I can see (potentially) what they are learning too, then I will not be so hard on myself about feeling so bad about it.
That’s a whole load of rant here. But I have clarity now. I see what you mean. Thank you Universe… it is high time. I will work through it.
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