The Taste of Confusion

These past two days had been really really spacey for me. The day before, I was just in a whole whirlpool of things I cannot understand. It scares me, really. I can usually understand something when I put my mind to it. It probably takes three to five times longer than others (other people more familiar with it, or other things I am familiar with). But yesterday, I was just absolutely boggled by everything that was going on. It was not just a single event, but one thing after another, I cannot even remember what they are now.

It sort of annoys me, but I guess not being able to attain something even after putting in a lot of effort really does annoy anybody, does it not? I finally, well, gave.up. I just stopped struggling and just left it.them. Tried to make up for it a little by doing something else when I got back home, but no, nothing’s cooperative.not.at.all. 😦

Today was slightly better. Managed to complete yesterday’s items, but again, today’s items – some done, some not. And left with a lot of emotional ‘trauma’ sort of. There are some days when everything just feels wrong, and feels like there’s nothing that can be right. You are given two choices – to do this, or to do that (same matter). You do this, you get told, that’s not right, then you say “alright, forget it, i’m okay to just leave it” and then get told that’s not right either, plus a little bit of emotional blackmail (it felt that way). The summary of today – Life’s Contradictions.

Contradictory instructions spanned over time, by different parties, in the same big umbrella organization. As it lands very gently on my lap, I unwrapped it with the other equally unknowing party, and our conclusion at the end of the conversation “it all makes sense, but what do we do now/next?” Well, it always makes sense when we are all unknowing, doesn’t it?

Separate matter, different players, contradictions again. I don’t even know how to react. You cannot expect me to respond immediately on something that I take time to digest (and we all know there are those certain things that I am extremely slow at coming around to). What I can say is just, let’s just leave it. Which is a terrible answer, because what I actually mean is that, Let’s just leave it till I figure out what I can do about it, but in the meantime, don’t waste Your time on it.

This is terrible. Terrible communication, or more like the lack thereof. All occasions! I can console myself that it takes two hands to clap. But the same question – is that self-consolation or is that Creator’s truth?

My goodness. Creator, you advised me to be myself. Is the ditsy me myself? Will I come across as arrogant? What am I supposed to do with this? I know you want me to stand up, set boundaries, and give myself self-worth, self-value, and self-respect. But, all I can see is “oh my, but that Real Me is so ditsy”, or “am I really supposed/allowed to speak to someone so much more than me in that kind of tone?”. I don’t know.

I still owe a lot of work. And you tell me “if I cannot finish what I set out to do, it is just not meant to be?”. Trust, I know, but can you enlighten my consciousness/brains/ego that this is okay? That it will all be okay?

Exposure is today’s prompt.  I take that as a hint that this whole post is talking about exposure to my Self, and the parts I am not accepting, and well, to contemplate and get around to finally accepting it.

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